For years, I felt like I was living the lyrics of Cranes in the Sky trying everything to feel better and nothing was working. This past September, I just felt like something was way off—more than usual—and so I began the process of figuring out how to get some more answers. Literally, months later here we are only a few days before World Bipolar Day was I diagnosed.

The walls of my apartment make me feel trapped even though I know I am not. Whenever I have a really depressive mood under normal circumstances, I stay home and hide out; however, now, my refuge has become my torture.

If you are not aware of what gaslight means, have no fear, I will fill you in. Gaslight is a psychological term that refers to a person who seeks to sow doubt in another person, making them question their own memory, perception, and at the most extreme their sanity.

So did you read that and think: oh shit, my auntie be doing that shit all the time? or: Oh shit, that’s what that is called. Are you now side eying someone in the room as you read this? When you read that, did a certain person pop into your head (besides trumplethinskin)? Well, obviously I can think of a few people that this applies to and that is why I am deciding to write this post.

Here I am. I am proud to be here. I am proud to say that every day I have chosen to get up and at least put pants on and maybe a bra (bras are terrible creation by the patriarchy I am sure). I also am aware that there are some people who didn’t have the strength to keep fighting this internal battle. I remember you. You are not a coward. I know there are a lot of us who need help fighting this battle and you are seen and not weak. I am also speaking to myself. I am not weak for not being able to get up some days.

In all honesty, you think that would bring some sense of freedom. (Yay no deadlines! Endless naps!) But when you have only been conditioned to operate within the construct of one due date to the next the uncertainty of the nothingness is extremely anxiety inducing. You are constantly feeling that you are forgetting something. Every day I personally feel like I have forgotten to do some assignment, my brain literally cannot compute.