Nothing Mutual About it: today's the day we talk about it.

We can all agree that 2020 has been a shitshow. Excuse my language, but there is no other way to describe what has been going on. When the clock struck midnight, bringing us into 2020 back in January, no one could have predicted we would be where we are now. We have lost legend after legend in our community—from Kobe to John Lewis to Chadwick and everyone in between. We have continued to watch Black and Brown bodies being murdered in the streets by the hands of cops and vigilantes, even though we are all supposed to be in our homes.

And yet, with all this shit going on, nothing has taken me more by surprise (besides the death of Kobe & Chadwick) than the complete meltdown the academy is having. Canceling of sports. Cutting of sports teams. Lay-offs of thousands of faculty at institutions that have millions of dollars in their endowment. Campus openings despite the skyrocketing cases of Covid-19. Academics being outed as frauds. Listen, if 2020 wasn’t kind to anyone, it wasn’t kind to the ivory tower.

We had one lady create a whole fake social media account, pretending to be a Native American bi-sexual scientist. She had the worlds (the science world’s) attention. She had #AcademicTwitter engulfed in this fake persona’s entire life until she killed her off with COVID19 and people began to poke holes in all the lies she told. And in the most recent turn of events, we have now had Jessica Krug come out and say she was pretending to be a whole Afro-Caribbean woman from the Bronx—only to be from Kansas. Literally, everyone wanna be Black (or Brown) until its time to be; but that is for another post.

Everyone can agree that these two incidents, among others, are acts of pure violence against those who actually hold those identities. And boy am I glad I don’t have to pretend to be Black. But let’s face it, the truth is what these white women have done is nothing new. Profiting off of Black and Brown bodies and stories is only good for those who don’t have to continuously live in those bodies. We can all agree that pretending to be a Black woman is a special kind of evil. Krug admits that she knows what she was doing was rooted in anti-blackness and yet still somehow managed to blame it on mental health issues. Which is another white supremacist and ableist cop-out, but again that is for another post.

Let’s not get it twisted, Krug didn’t come forward because she felt guilty she came forward because a junior faculty was brave enough to approach senior faculty about concerns about Krug and her treatment of actual WOC scholars. That junior scholar knew that she needed the backing of senior scholars to get the truth out there. And that is where I am now, an up and coming scholar looking for a way to get the truth out but without ruining my future career and honestly its a very difficult place to be in.

Sure, you’re probably wondering where I am going with this but have no fear I have not been pretending to be a Black woman with disabilities all those things are true. But instead, I am here to start a conversation that many have wanted to have but we never knew when the time was. I always said one day we’re gonna talk about it so today, I am going to. If we are here for calling out faculty/scholars for pretending to be things (or someone) that they aren’t: why can’t we call out the Black & Brown faculty who pretend to be “kinfolk” in public but in private actively subscribe to the same white supremacist ideologies making them to act as gatekeepers success of other Black and Brown folx. It’s the Black on Black crime of the academia so to speak.

I am by no means saying that these actions are worse than lying about being Black but are they not on the same level? I mean think about it, every Black scholar has that person that we looked up to. That we wanted to emulate that we sought out mentorship only to be reminded that they are fine “being the only” because white supremacy has hoodwinked us into believing that there isn’t enough room for all of us. The stories we all wanted to tell using #blackintheivory but didn’t want the white folks to know our dirty secrets.

We all know the old adage “all skinfolk ain’t kinfolk” and I was personally hoping to make it a little longer in my academic career before I learned how heavy that realization can be. I was hoping I would at least be faculty and not a graduate student. Yet, here I am entering into my second year as a doctoral student having to navigate the people’s fraudulent identities and actions.

A lot of you already knew me, but many of you got to know me from the viral hashtag from earlier this summer #blackintheivory. I was originally cited as co-founder. A former friend of mine text me the hashtag as an idea, they had under 500 followers and I had over 3,000 at the time. I tweeted out the hashtag citing the other person and continued tweeting about my experience as a Black graduate student. Something I was doing LONG before the hashtag ever came up and something I will continue to do now that I am no longer associated with it.

What people saw in the public was two Black women pushing for other Black scholars to tell their truths. Those stories that we locked away deep down inside of ourselves because they were so traumatic. I for a fact didn’t think out o this would become a viral sensation that was the main focus of many news stories—even one in NYT above the fold! But what people didn’t see was that behind closed doors the bullshit that was happening. I tried my hardest to keep it behind closed doors too. I felt the weight of the Black community watching us, hoping that two Black women could get along and I felt like i let them down.

What was going on behind closed doors: three different interviews the “creator” said i stole her hashtag. And in a 4th interview that I wasn’t apart of it actually gotten written up. In a joking way of “don’t take my ideas (with a laugh). Joke or not, to insinuate that a graduate student stole ideas of a faculty member is classic academia. Sure, this story wasn’t in a major outlet but it was written up the same.

This then became the undertone of all our discussions. Me double-checking to make sure that they didn’t actually feel that i stole something of theirs, even though I knew the truth. But in public, in the beginning, the tweets from the “creator” cited me as co-founder and collaborator and all those things. Again, folks doing one thing in public and another behind the scenes.

As the popularity of the hashtag began to grow so did tensions. I was scolded for not asking to tweet from the official account to raise money for the trademark and admittedly, I could have asked. That will be the one fault that I claim to have in this situation. The popularity of the hashtag meant the popularity of those trying to use it and say they started it. At the suggestion of many folks, we decided that trademarking would be the best route; however, just like everything involving the government, there was a ridiculously high cost involved. Within 45 minutes, I had raised the money necessary to cover the cost of the trademark and then some. Even though i was scolded for doing this, there was no problem using the money to trademark and other things.

All I wanted was for this hashtag to be sustained and safe from culture vultures. There were many other disagreements behind closed doors and that’s par for the course when working with others; however, none that blow me away as being called too radical and then being told they wanted to sever ties from me because they were concerned about tenure. Me being the concerning person I am, I opted to give up all interviews so they could steer the narrative of what was said about the hashtag. Again, I never wanted clout just to be recognized for the work I put into it. Building the website, designing the merch, sustaining the conversations on social media with the hashtag.

But in the beginning of August, all things came to ahead. The creator decided that no longer a co-founder because they didn’t want to be tied to someone like me. That I was no different from just any other twitter user who engaged in conversation with the hashtag. I was no more than an amplifier. It felt conveniently timed, this wishing to be untied from me because we were about to sign a book contract to do an edited collection.

At first, I wanted to fight them on this. All the work I had done, I didn’t deserve to be erased. We all know that you can have an idea but if you don’t know how or have all the tools to see it come to fruition then that idea is just that: an idea. And that’s why companies, movements, and organizations have “co-founders” because it takes a collaborative effort to build community. But after much crying and praying, I decided that what is for me is for me and I would walk away. I scrubbed all traces of myself from the website, twitter, and etc. A person doesn’t want to be attached to me, I am fine making that happen. I knew that the hashtag was bigger than both of us; however, the moment it became about erasure and taking full credit versus sharing the hashtag lost its meaning. To me, being Black in the ivory tower means more than a hashtag because that identity lives on and off social media.

I was again, going to stay quiet. Let them figure out how to tell the origin story. Let them figure out how to answer all the questions about merch and etc. All the things I did on a daily basis. Whenever I got request in my email or DM’s, i would tell them to please refer to the “creator.” A couple of days went by, I hadn’t thought anything else of it. I got no response from my email saying I no longer wanted to be associated. I made sure to state that it was unfair for them to reap the benefits of my work, including a book deal, if they didn’t consider me a co-founder. I even said that on a call and they agreed. However, when I went to log myself out of our joint email I saw that they asked the publishers would they be interested in a solo edited book. It was in that moment I knew I had made the right decision of walking away. It was even further confirmed when a tweet was changed called me co-founder to just an amplifier. And that is how all of this got on Twitter. It felt like another poke in the eye. I had asked not to be associated with it. I did a quick twitter thread explaining some of these things. And went on my merry way.

Now, I am sure that you’re wondering: I thought you were going to call people out not just vent—i just had to give you some background. It was the following Saturday after my twitter thread that I am contacted by senior scholars in my discipline that this person had reached out to. Saying they wanted to talk to me and they were ready to have a sit-down, yet my email and phone had been dry of any of those requests. Thankfully the two faculty that called me was looking out and giving me solid advice and warning to what was happening; however, its the faculty that didn’t talk to me that hold weight in our discipline that scared me. I am then met with the fact that senior scholars in a discipline I just entered are getting told her side of the story, which became apparent wasn’t the truth. It became apparent to me that my very brand new career could be sabotaged and tainted all because I refused to be erased. I didn’t want to talk to them. I was angry. I felt painted into a corner. The ultimate power move: call older faculty in attempts to put younger scholars in their place. To scare me into silence. To scare me into making a statement. Against my better judgment, I reached out via email asking what it was that they wanted to speak about and that we should have a mediator present.

This is where I really talk about it.

After all the calls they made saying they wanted to speak with me and i reach out asking what they want to speak about, I again am met with silence until 9 whole days later. I thought things were dead and gone. But nine days later, me a graduate student of limited means, is sent an email from an attorney requesting me to sign documents. One of those documents: a mutual nondisclosure agreement.

The “creator” and face of a movement about speaking your truth is asking mine to be silenced. Upon receiving that email first, I cried with frustration and then I hysterically laughed because I could see the irony. Then the next day it was announced that we both won a Social Justice and Activism award. And that’s when I began to cry in pain and agony.

How can one be a feminst, expert in Black women, and sistah spaces all while actively trying to silence another Black woman and erase the work they have done? How is this newly budding scholar supposed to have hope in anyting. It is bad enough that white folks try to hold us back and try to use their power and money to itimidate me but now I have to face that with a Black scholar. A Black scholar that I looked up to one I wanted to emulated, or so I thought. The one who hasn’t touched twitter since the day all this came out but has maintained being vocal on Facebook. Why? beecause two different crowds are on those.

Again, I thought about staying quiet and of course NOT sign an NDA. But the more and more I thought about it, I realized: me being quiet was like me signing the NDA. Me staying quiet would allow for this to continue. For somone to be viewed one way in public and get rewarded for it and be a complete other way in private. When I was approachd my senior scholars in our discipline , I made sure to note that we wouldn’t even be having a conversation if this hadn’t been brought to light on twitter. It’s that classic case of: are you sorry you did it or are you sorry you got caught?

I am not saying this to say this person doesn’t have endearing qualities. Again, i considered them a friend. I even let them stay with us when they visited Austin. But what I am saying is that: I will no longer be bullied into silence. You cannot be a feminist while actively trying to silence another woman. This post isn’t full of lies. No, its full of facts and truths. Why would I, a graduate student, walk a way from an academic press book? Why would I, a graduate student, walk away from a community that I helped start that I found great solice in? Why would I, a graduate student, walk away from an opportunity that was leading towards paid speaking gigs and allowing me to be in rooms I only dreamed of being in.

We must begin to have the difficult conversations about how we as Black folx have been conditioned to believe that there isn’t enough room for all of us to succeed. We must begin to address the ways in which proximity to whiteness doesn’t mean we are white. We cannot utilize the same tactics they use on us on each other—because that is when they succeed. We cannot sit on Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion taskforces as Black folx while actively trying to ensure that you maintain the status of “only".

I am sure there are going to be some people that believe that I shouldn’t have written this post and that is fine. I am sure there could possibly be consequences or some job that I won’t be able to get one day and that too is fine. I am even positive this may piss off folx that i consider friends and mentors, and again that is fine.

I am a graduate student, one who has put myself on the line time and time again when calling out institutions and people for their racist, classist, and ableist ways. There is nothing different about this situation other than I thought long and hard about the fact that this was a Black woman I would be telling the truth about. And that is what pains me. I was served an NDA by another Black woman to silence me. A Black woman who recently won a feminist mentor-teaching award. A Black woman who won Social Justice and Activism award from our discpline. A Black woman who’s work I was proud was being done. A Black woman who pushed I thought was pushing boundaries for others in our discipline but it appears those boundaries really were gates to keep “too radical” scholars like myself out.

If this was anyone else who had done this to me, I would have been talked about it. I would have warned anyone who wanted to work with that scholar. But how is it that I, the graduate student, is protecting a faculty member who utilized their power and status to intimidate me? This story reeks of similarities of too many stories that were shared with the hashtag that was done at the hands of white faculty and staff.

This is the truth. This is the conversation we need to have. If we are willing to call out white folks for pretending to be Black and down for us, why can’t we call out the actual Black folx who are pretending to be down for us?

I know I will have some enemies after this, and that is alright with me because I know that I will be able to close my eyes and sleep at night knowing I told the truth.

My name is Joy Melody Woods: scholar, wife, activist, advocate, and a proud “radical”