Gas Me up, but not like that
Setting Boundaries with family members who gaslight you in 2020
Unless you have lived under a rock and have no access to any type of calendar, you are aware that in just a couple of days we will be entering into a whole new decade! 2020 is right around the corner and it seems that people are making their new year resolution bigger and better than they ever have in the past. Setting goals that are only fitting to have in such a monumental year. People are getting rid of things to make their vision clearer (get it 20/20 vision).
Anyway, all of this is great. I am going to try to set goals to eat better and to do some type of activity for 30 mins twice a week. Trust my physical health is important; however, I think the goals I am most adamant about setting and sticking to are those that are related to my mental health. And for me, that means setting hard and fast boundaries in my life. After spending time with family over the holidays, I think most people came back to their homes and realized the same thing. There have to be boundaries in this new decade. For me, I am determined to set boundaries with family members who gaslight the fuck out of me.
If you are not aware of what gaslight means, have no fear, I will fill you in. Gaslight is a psychological term that refers to a person who seeks to sow doubt in another person, making them question their own memory, perception, and at the most extreme their sanity.
So did you read that and think: oh shit, my auntie be doing that shit all the time? or: Oh shit, that’s what that is called. Are you now side eying someone in the room as you read this? When you read that, did a certain person pop into your head (besides trumplethinskin)? Well, obviously I can think of a few people that this applies to and that is why I am deciding to write this post.
Gaslighting is so subtle but it has such a major impact on your mental health. As for me, I already struggle with depression and anxiety; meaning, I really don’t need any extra help doubting myself or feeling bad about myself my brain already does that due to a chemical imbalance. So when I set down to think about my goals for 2020, I realized that in order for me to move forward in a healthy way in my life it was time to set boundaries and to explicitly name the thing I am no longer allowing from friends but especially the family in the future: gaslighting.
I have given you the definition of “gaslighting” but it still may be hard to picture how this may be happening to you and so i wanted to go through some very familial examples of gaslighting.
When you are discussing something from your childhood that happened to you and your family member completely discredits what you're saying by saying “you have selective memory” or “that is not how it happened”
When you hear this enough, you begin to think that your memory is wrong. That what happened to you didn’t happen. This phrasing completely undermines and discredits your experiences and memories. Especially if the memory you are discussing is something that is not favorable to those involved.
When you are trying to work through something in the past with your family and they tell/ask you “when are you just going to let it go?” They remind you that “happened so long ago” or tell you that you “need to give people grace”
I have had this personally happen to me and it has to be the most infuriating thing. Yes, we do have to let things go and move forward; however, that does not mean that they go unaddressed. That does not mean you do not have a right to address and solve the problem or issue. Although I am queen petty and I am the grudge-holding champion of the South when necessary, I am mature enough to know that holding grudges isn’t healthy and the best way to move forward in relationships is to have to discussions in order to solve the root of the issue. If you are met with this type of response, then it may just be time to set that boundary up and realize that this person ain’t ready to do the work to better the relationship.
They constantly give you backhanded compliments or completely do not acknowledge the work you are doing but acknowledge the hard work of those around you. Or they belittle the progress you have made because “well that is what you’re supposed to do”
I think my personal favorite of these (please read as sarcasm) is when I have been belittled for what I am doing and told I am not working hard enough or that I shouldn’t miss class because of my health but after all the negative things are said, they close the conversation with “I am proud of you and love you.” This type of behavior is the lowest of keys deadly. For me personally, I begin to second guess am I doing anything right. Like I am not doing enough because I want that person’s affirmation. Again, not healthy at all. How I have begun to set this boundary in my life is that I do not share certain aspects of my life with certain members of my family. There is no need for me to discuss something with a person if they are only going to respond negatively.
When you try to tell them about specific actions they are doing that are hurtful and they either deny them or blatantly tell you they do not care and to just get over it.
Liste, this shit is soooooo aggravating. I have grown in my life because 2014 Joy would have just cussed them the fuck out and left but now 2019 Joy (and hopefully 2020 Joy) will just say okay or not even broach the topic. They say you have to learn to accept the apology that you never receive and when it comes to those who gaslight you, that is very true. It doesn’t make it right, as a matter of fact it sucks, but it something that I am learning to work on.
Granted, these aren’t all the ways your family members can gaslight you. Honestly, I wouldn’t have the time or the space to list all of the ways that it happens. But if you find yourself in a situation and start to ask yourself “Am I being to sensitive” or someone tells you that: sis, run! Your family members shouldn’t be the ones in the world that cause you to doubt your decisions or yourself, they should be the ones that support you but also offer good sound advice when necessary. Also, always remember everything isn’t “just a joke!” Your feelings are valid.
The effects of gaslighting are vast. I find myself second-guessing multiple parts of my life that have nothing to do with my family because I have been gaslit so many times by them. I always find myself having to realign my mental mindset after certain interactions. So for 2020, I think it is high time to set hard ass boundaries with folx who walking around with matches and gas. No more. This is why I go to therapy as well, but I have talked about therapy before and I am sure I will talk about it again.
So in 2020, I am giving myself room to feel the things I am feeling—even if my family members don’t acknowledge it. I am walking in self-compassion. I am keeping folx around me who can be good sounding boards, who know the real me. And I am setting a boundary of just disengaging, and that doesn’t mean I don’t love my family it means that for my mental health to live its best life in 2020 and beyond I have to do this.
I hope this helps and I want to hear what you think in the comments.
