And that is the crux of it all, every environment doesn't allow for your proper growth. Just like certain plants can only thrive in certain types of temperaments and environments, the same thing applies to us. 

I think that talking about this is important, especially for those interested or in graduate school. Graduate school is full of moments that will push and pull you and literally force you to grow; however, even with this pull and prodding, there is no guarantee that you will thrive. There is no guarantee that you actually even grow. Hell, there is no guarantee that you will even survive. 

I threw myself into studying and completing applications that I did not give myself any time to truly cope with what had just happened less than a week ago. I didn't think that was what I was supposed to do. Why should I dwell on something I couldn't change, at least that is what! 

I never knew that my determination to further my education (and prove a few folks wrong along the way) could be detrimental. And to be honest, while I was in the middle of it I did not see it as that. But after I completed my GRE a month later and got the scores I needed, it all came crashing down. 

I thought of my aunties and uncles left behind in the aftermath of yet another one of their siblings' death and I felt this weight begin to just sit on my legs and I couldn't move. I re-read the text message and immediately called the aunt who sent it. There is no non-cliche to talk to someone who just lost a loved one. You cannot say something that has never been heard before. You cannot say something that probably doesn't sound like it came out of a Nicholas Sparks book. That doesn't stop you from trying though. My aunt tried to sound okay, but I am a master of reading through that but I left it alone. The only good thing is that they had visited my uncle in the hospital the day before and they were thankful for that moment. 

The concert ended and everyone was leaving the venue. I realized I parked closer to the door than my friend did. So me being the nice southern girl I am, I offered him a ride to his car. This is a choice that I replay in my head all the time. I have asked myself did I ask for what came next. Did I invite this to happen?

            We are in the car. We are talking about the concert and how awesome it was. We talked about how weird it was that it was still not that many Black folks at this rap concert. Then we start talking about school and just life as I am driving him to his car. It really was far. His tone starts to change. More disengaged.

I honestly do not think at that moment I wanted to die; however, I just wanted all of these feelings to stop and at that time it seemed like dying was the only way. I was trying to talk my cousin about these feelings, and that is a lot to put on someone who isn't that much older than you. Who probably has their own issues as well. He did what he thought was right, call my father to let him know. 

You know that feeling when you finished writing a paper and you have a sense of relief, then you remember you have to edit it. And the editing process seems to take forever. And sometimes after you literally only edit three sentences, you take a whole break. 

That is exactly what it feels like when you are making adjustments to your life. And as i set on the floor of my therapist office (yes, today I decided to sit on the floor it makes me feel more comfortable) me and him began to talk about the "edits" I am beginning to make to my life. I was (and am) exhausted from just the little changes I have begun to make, because let's face it making changes exhausting--especially when those changes are to your way of life. 

For me, discussing my mental health with my partner was scary for a different reason. We had just started dating when I had been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and General Anxiety Disorder. To me, this diagnoses answered a lot of questions; however, to my partner, I knew it would most likely bring more questions. I had to sit for a while and sift through my feelings of what this would possibly mean for us--if I told him. I had to weigh the pros and cons of each option. And after I did this, I determined that the pros outweighed the cons in this situation. And because we had just started dating, if they decided they wanted to "leave" then now would be better than later.